I've decided to sign up for a porn membership, but it's 10:30 and I'm going to wait an hour an a half because I don't want to waste a whole day of my month long membership. Fuck this economy.
As of this morning, vodka still has the other side of my BFF necklace. She treats me right.
Theres just something about looking at pictures of your dick in church that doesn't feel right
He wanted a handjob during a John Wayne movie. I just couldn't find it in my heart to disrespect that man. John Wayne that is.
This is so stupid. Now I have to call the party planner and tell her that the break up party is off. They decided to get back together.
she just made some guy spank her... then made some chick take a running start and spank her.
I know it was you because you're the only person I know who gets drunk and craves soup.
Soup is delicious
Happy birthday, you long dick monster
He asked me not to hook up with anyone else because it would hurt his feelings.. while his arm was around his pregnant girlfriend.
Nursing home in NJ just got busted for prostitution and drugs...dropping off my deposit tomorrow
He is so pussy whipped she has made him change his name to Toby
Can't really tell your Mom you are moody due to dick deprivation.
Last night at a party someone grabbed my ass so I just fucking punched them in the face then went home and ate a frozen pizza
I was sleeping and woke up in the bathroom already puking like i slept walk. Perrrrrrfect.
Your mom has reinvented the use of a ping pong ball.
Randomize
