Sooo, drunk me had the sense of mind to write down everything that happened last night.....I bet you thought you'd get away with what you did to my parrot.
My mother's day gift to my mother is to promise never to tell her 95% of the stories I've accumulated in my life.
Also you were throwing your phone yelling this is durable as shit
i have a picture in my phone of you with a bottle of tequila in your back pocket. i believe you were saying "pocket of champions" or something along those lines
there are teeth marks in the soap. why are there teeth marks in the soap.
I just banged your sister. Thats what you get for takibg my lunch money in 2 grade, boom, boom fiyyaa powaa
I imagine her to be like a 19th century explorer/adventurer with different boys' hearts on her wall like animal heads
Like Teddy Roosevelt
The melted ice in my drinks tonight is probably the most water I've had in like 3 days accumulated.
5am, I am wayy too drunk for this. Hookers came out of nowhere. They're like ninjas. Some poor soul got the fat one, tomorrow's going to be interesting...
There's a bag in my room with garbage, a thong, fritos, and an electrical cord. I'm assuming it's yours
........yyyyyyeah that's me
there's cocaine on the ipad again........... was your sister here last night?
Why put me through the conflicting battle of being happy for your vagina but sad for my vagina for no reason ahole
My liver can't handle being unemployed!
I was sprawled on his bed and heard him and a girl walk in the apartment. I jumped out the window and am walking down main street wrapped in an american flag blanket. Can you pick me up?
was having sex but got distracted... he instragramed a pic of his crotch
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