u know ur in oregon when the cop tells u to keep the beer cans he made u pour out so u can recycle them
i'm 67% sure he was trying to sing in hawaiian
This guy kept running around with a blender giving people shots of everclear and vodka. Best. Toga. Party. Ever.
I just had a flashback of 4:30am: me hugging the toilet bowl and you handing me a jar of pickles to open. There is something seriously wrong with us.
yeah, I said "hi, I'm the creepy old guy at the college bar" and she said that she like mature men, wasn't expecting that line to work
Maybe it's cuz you slapped him with a pancake last night
I'm texting you the word "cockring" because I feel it hasn't been said enough throughout our friendship.
I apologize for tapping your ass. It was a friendly tap. Like Casper. Ya know
I feel like I spent all day wearing underpants made entirely of poison ivy and sandpaper
maybe one of us should just pity fuck him and get it over with.
How was the party
I came home with only one shoe, a t shirt tied around my shoeless foot and I was covered in motor oil. Oh and my shorts were inside out. So you tell me
I'm still drunk dear. I just woke up 3 feet from the front door with 20 dollars worth of taco bell in my hands.
One of these days I would like to go out drinking and stick to plan of just getting drunk and not be sidetracked with other people's plans of doing drugs along the way. I didn't even want to not feel my teeth tonight but here we go just another Thursday night when you live I live
Apparently I have a "problem" because I enjoy doing bong rips in the shower
I pelvic thrusted so hard while he was eating me out that his nose started bleeding. I think it's broken. Trophy scars, right?
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