I can't believe you let me try to pierce your nipple with a dart last night
And my dad told him he was a great looking guy. and then added "no homo" after.
Not only did a random toaster end up in my house last night, it's also full of skittles.
My number went up to seventeen today. I forgot to add my random hookup on a sailboat.
He offered me a 30 pack if I don't bring her to the party. Am I a bad friend If I take his offer?
And then she apologized after the blow job for being too sick to deep throat. I'm in love..
I promise not to drug you or anything. Please come to my birthday party.
He said the last thing he remembered thinking was: 'Why is this vagina spinning?' Too drunk sex is no ones friend.
My "lord keep me from stabbing a bitch" prayer has gotten a lot of miles today
The fact that the praying hands are in my top emojis defines how 2016 is going so far
WHAT KIND OF DEALER ONLY WORKS FRI-SUN???
Ours, apparently.
Almost lost a vagina lip in the great shave of '16
It was rocky mountain showdown of course we got shitfaced and talked about eating buffaloes
If this adventure is going to get us arrested it'll have to wait until Wednesday so that I can bail myself out.
For someone who's supposed to be gay Greg is really good at seducing me into things I don't wanna do
Randomize
