I want to buy you liquor! I want to kiss your face.
What are you talking about? And how drunk are you?
Both
she had the hairiest bush ive ever seen. it looked like a spoiled head of lettuce.
He fucked my earring out of my ear. Of course he's coming over again.
i remember too much of last night for it to have been successful
It was insane. I was drunk for 11 consecutive hours. I woke up covered in almonds and there were footprints all over my shirt
My girlfriend is studying for the MCAT by watching The Magic Schoolbus. There go my dreams of being a househusband.
My attorney has my name in her roldex as need to hit that. Im gonna win my case
Oh. My. God. Dad smoked a bowl. He's been playing cards...I just told a story and when I was done, he got really close to my face and very seriously asked me if he had cheese in his beard. I'm about to die.
Did u smell a guys dreadlocks in the McDonald's drive thru line last night or did I dream that?
Never thought I would be taunted by little kids about my walk of shame
I just sneeze out a chunk of leftover pickle I threw up last night. dont you try and tell me your day is going worse
Just got a motivational speech from the tacobell drive thru guy at 2am
then he told me my boobs feel like "if you put mushroom soup in a baggie." I don't know how I'm supposed to feel about this.
Made out with some dude at the bar last night. Was fun until he thought bohemian rhapsody was by The Who
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