I wish I could be a nicer person. Or a more sober one.
Im dancing with my grandma to Low right now at the wedding. There's no coming back from this.
With the way things had been going, I was never more excited for a person to cum
i just made mint juleps with bourbon and fresh breath strips. i am the macgyver of alcohol.
I just woke up at my desk with "To Whommmmmmmmm" typed on a letter. I have no memory of waking up, getting dressed or driving in.
Was I holding a cat when you saw me? Because that was the height of that party for me.
Well, I'm at the grocery store wondering whether I exist or not.
We had car sex in the parking lot of the dispensery while he blasted Tony Bennett. It was so fucking romantic.
i have an important question...can you drink in jail?
So yeah, don't be alarmed when you come home after work to find me eating cookie dough out of a margarita glass with a knife and watching The Little Mermaid. It's been one of those days.
Driving home this morning in my minion costume makes me rethink the 0 tint on my windows.
Yeah I'm just gonna stay here and spread my horniness to the world.
You were lost on foot. Texted us and told us that N*Sync couldn't save you, and then you "met Jesus" in your car.
I learned three things this morning. Don't get out of my car without my keys, don't let a girl paint my nail unless I'm getting laid by said girl, and lastly I learned how to break into my own car.
I tried saying sorry but instead I puked down her shirt and tried to clean it up... Now I have a bruise on my forehead. good news, before she left she wrote her number on my stomach with sharpie
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