Just checked my missed calls... why did you call me 37 times from 2:14 to 3:58?
2 showers later and I'm still finding cum on random body parts of mine
So my bf wanted to cum on my face and I let him. Afterwards I wiped some off, wiped it across his forehead and said, "The king has returned".
That stripper was not happy when I tried putting a dollar in her court mandated ankle bracket/tracking device
THERE IS AN ENORMOUS FAT WOMAN EYEING MY FLIGHT'S GATE LIKE IT WOULD BE DELICIOUS TO EAT.
Omg he has a washer and dryer IN his apartment and lots of back up toilet paper. I went home with an adult. My uterus is pumping out eggs beyond my control.
He's a fucking asshole. Who gives good head. And seriously I have never seen someone less committed to hair color
Fuck you fireball...just straight up fuck out of here
well I got an eye infection from a stripper motorboating me but overall it was a great weekend
I tried to get more sleep but the universe decided I needed a drunken freshman instead
You can either drink his whiskey or be a bitch. Doing both is just mean.
THERE IS A MAN IN THE BATHROOM IN COLONIAL GARB GET HERE
Considering I drank for you last night, do you mind picking up your half of the hangover
And to be clear I have only watched porn like 3 times at work
Do you think it's a bad sign of the outcome of the pregnancy test I'm about to take that I was eating a fudgsicle on the way into the drugstore? Would it make worse to tell you I also bought a big ass bag of Cornnuts?
Randomize
