Really stoned
just sent my roommate on a cheese run
he was so hot that i framed the used condom. it's not trash, it's art.
I was just at the bank and there was a fat lady wearing a cape. today is gonna be awesome.
I just woke up. In the port-o-potty next to our tailgate. an hour after the game started. explain.
I got a black eye last night. This guy said for every 35 pounds you lose you gain an inch to your dick. I asked him how long he has been peeing sitting down.
tiger just fucked it up for all of us...she grabbed my phone this morning and started asking questions.
nutella sex= disaster
buying my parents vodka for Christmas is like buying a normal person socks.
Sorry I pissed in your dining room and kicked your best friend in the face while he was passed out.
Come my child we shall walk thru the pasture of amazing sex and corndogs. Hint:some corndogs are not corndogs.
We didn't want to make a pit stop so I just helped my husband pee in a bottle. No one told me this was part of love.
I got my period today and I cried tears of joy. And then just cried because my cramps are actually killing me from the inside out.
Thanks for making me a drunk burrito last night and cutting it into bite size pieces, I always knew you were a keeper.
I thought I was at a rave until the paramedics started chasing me. You win again tequila.
It's 1:37. You have 23 minutes to get your dick to the bar before I go home with the bartender... tick... tick...
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