I don't believe in a God but I'm almost positive I just shit out the devil.
You stayed up for three hours wasted, feeding my rabbit 2 1/2 boxes of girl scout cookies.
an unopened bag of salt and vinegar chips... probably the best thing I've ever found in my room while high.
My therapist is concerned about your alcoholism.
Maybe shotgunning 4 days after oral surgery wasn't such a good idea after all...
I definitely hasselhoffed a taco bell burrito on my kitchen floor in front of my dad and little brother.
Blackout me just wants to pee on sober me's dreams. Literally.
I need to be more functional. That doesn't mean I'm going to drink less, I just need to wake up and shit
Just set myself on fire a little bit. Made me think of you.
Once he bit me I drew the fucking line.
I can't hangout tonight, I have a phone sex appointment at 10
Yeah, sorry about that. Dropped the phone on my face while I was watching porn.
Its 7am I'm awake still drunk, there is food, random clothing and road cone in my room. I can't decide if this is a failure or a success???
The vodka gummy bears are so strong. If I die of alcohol poisoning, please tell my dad it was single malt scotch.
It’s a dick. Seen one, seen em all. Unless it spews a fountain of tequila, I don’t need to see yours.
Randomize
