For the amount I put out, I should be going on way more dates.
i am literally watching eva make a trashbag diaper for you to sleep in tonight. whole new level of low for you.
She was blacklisted from the Uhaul center...what the fuck do you have to do to get blacklisted from a Uhaul center
using smirnoff bottles as a pillow actually isnt as uncomfortable as you would think
What do you think it is?
It's a boy. I know it. She always manages to have a cock inside her somehow.
So howd u manage to get high at a one year olds birthday anyway?
I was just told that i'm a premature cuddler. . . What does that even mean?
Whatever it is you failed
Apparently while trying to get up from vomiting in the toilet I grabbed the seat cover for leverage and smashed my own head between it and the bowl. I don't remember this.
I mean you were pretty drunk at one point you asked if we could have a glass of water ready for you in case you choked while bobbing for apples, but you said grape juice was preferable. You can't choke on an apple btw
I want to tell everyone I've ever met about how he him picking me up and fucking me against the wall was the highlight of my life. Worst lesbian ever.
I say I'm working from home on conference call days, but really I just mute the phone, put that shit on speaker so I can hear what's going on, and let Marcus fuck my brains out.
I think I fucked someone on the flight home last night.
You really need to not quote Anchorman while I'm giving you a serious blowjob.
Being an adult can't be all bad. I just took a vacation day solely to sit around and get stoned
What was the name of that sleazy asshole I'm not allowed to sleep with?
Randomize
