T-minus about 54 seconds until I am too high to speak English.
I'm jealous
My throat feels like a candle.
I just found all of my Mary-Kate and Ashley movies. Can you say drinking game?
My ferret is drunk. Someone told me you'd know what to do?
Theres a disney princess moonbounce on karen st. and I'm drinking beer at a little league field. this might end with me in jail.
My coke dealer called me at midnight just to ask how to spell a word. Not sure how I should feel about that.
I told him he was my first gentile. He was so flattered.
Remember the girl passed out in front of my fireplace?
I dont care if he cant spell. Illiterate people need blowjobs too
I'm about to initiate a game of drunk UNO.
Drunk UNO has officially been banned from now until forever.
Just had to buy plan b w/ my robotic baby from family living.. Awkward.
I'm pretty sure the guy in front of me at Walmart doesn't have good plans. It's one am he is buying a flash light and black bandanna
Google Maps needs to have a hungover setting. That bitch talks too loud and all I want is breakfast tacos & a bloody fucking mary.
just had an allergic reaction to my dildo. My life is ruined.
I need an outfit for the bar tmrw that reads I have daddy issues and would like a fancy sugar daddy.
your fucking longboard fell on me while we were having sex you fucking hipster
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