oh man you're gonna hate me when you log onto facebook. remember i love you
Just left a map of the Aleutian islands on this Eskimo girls face. Check one off my Alaska to do list.
I am so hungover and cant move but craving a Wendys frosty so bad. I might have to watch 2 girls 1 cup just to settle the urge
Chipotle chips and wine for breakfast. Its def game day
I joined a mariachi band. they gave me a guitar because i told them i could play. It actually turned out ok
They kicked me out of the mariachi band. Turns out I'm not that good
The dingo escaped by eating a hole through my screen door. It's loose in the city somewhere.
I know. I need to get a vagina tranquilizer.
My new year's resolution was to squirt this year. I only have four months left. Help.
He was in the middle of making out with two girls at once, but then the guy next to me said "I feel like I'm watching Animal Planet" he stopped to give him a high five
Sex should always be followed by Chinese food in bed.
You climbed on top of the bar, shotgunned a 25oz fosters and screamed, Steve Irwin was a God amongst men.
Can we table this discussion? The roommate is out of town and I have to eat pie on the couch in my underwear.
I just gave him road head. He came in the Taco Bell drive thru which seems pretty typical for my life.
Btw I thought it was impossible to use up 48 bottles of patron in one night but I was wrong...
Let me set the mood for you. Do you remember Britney Spears in her Hit Me Baby One More Time era? Well I just fucked this college girl I shit you not her name is Persephone and she looks exactly like Britney Spears back when she was hot. I might be in love.
Randomize
