So while she was giving me a lap dance I told her I quit med school. Just so she didn't feel like the only one who's made bad decisions in their life.
he texted me at 1 in the morning to ask if i wanted to come over and play in the snow with him
at least he gets points for a creative booty call
watching law and order svu marathons. all of the sex crimes cases start like my sat night.
yeah, and then after the convo was clearly over, my dad decides to scream "SIZE MATTERS" just to make things even more uncomfortable.
I just can't bring boyfriends home.
Just smoked out of an apple with Steve Jobs. I love Halloween.
And on the seventh day, God carefully sculpted your cock to fit perfectly into my masterpiece of a vagina. Then he rested. Look it up.
Dude. All those hangovers I never had came back with a vengeance. I just opened the door of this car to barf. The car was not motionless. We are on the autobahn.
Yeah I had this grand plan to bring flaming dr pepper shots to some girls and say "these shots are hot, but not as hot as you" but instead I lit the bar on fire
There was a selfie of you in the dark pointing at the camera with a duck face. You sent it to my 60 year old mother with the caption "you behave"
I may have had sex with him and told him we wasn't worth my time then went home and made mashed potatoes
He keeps asking the karaoke guy to play let it go from frozen so he can sing it in a falsetto
Take your time. I'm mowing the lawn. In the dark. Drunk.
sorry for any reference made toward your boobs or making you feel pregnant or incapable of peeing. make it a wonderful day.
why is there glitter IN my vagina????
I gave your mom a discount on her coffee, its my way to say thanks for having a son that makes me come every time
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