Tall, dark & handsome can suck my short, pale & awkward dick.
So A**** bought my story about how my hickey was a bruise from wrestling
on one hand i'm glad that i'm not in trouble...on the other hand i realized that the reason i cheat on her is because she is so stupid
I woke up to them arguing over who would get my morning wood. Oh, and I was dressed as Santa.
Would you want me to push you down the stairs OR throw you a baby shower?? Real talk
So at what point do I tell her that I like fucking these hot southern girls more than I like my relationship with her?
No more Raisinettes before sex. That's what happened. I just put it together
Parents said they were cutting off my AmEx card. So I immediately went up to the liquor store and purchased $550 of booze before it was canceled. I'm expecting your arrival in 30 minutes.
I like to balance the number of cups of coffee to bong rips in the morning before work.
I woke up with a massive hangover and realized I still had an entire bottle of tequila in my car...so yeah, working on tomorrow's hangover.
The bachelor party was supposed to stay local but I think were in mexico.
I just remember yelling "BODY SHOTS BODY SHOTS BODY SHOTS" while I was streaking
Was expecting a sext from Kristi and then my mom randomly sent me a pic of her ugly Xmas sweater. Worst. Buzzkill. Ever.
They think I'm one of them. I'm about to get drunk in a Santa suit and bust down the door singing Christmas carols.
come pick your gf up from my house. she's sitting in the fridge and hissing at the cat to let her eat the potatoes. btw i dont have a cat
Um..... I have taste. The only thing I am going to bedazzle is my vagina.
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