i just overheard my mom tell my dad he should drink less so he could hit the right hole
even through the webcam i could tell he was aiming for my face/hair
you won't ask to borrow his earbuds because you think it's gross, but you'll have sex with him?
He told me I couldn't drink an unopened bottle of water he had in his room because that was his emergency bong water
I miss waking up knowing you're passed out under my bed.
Jake bring pizza.
JAKE BRING PIZZA.
I'll do a soapy photo shoot for you in the shower. No loofas, though. Once you get one of those caught in your nipple ring, you never go back.
I threw up in the kitchen on the floor and a guy tried cleaning it up with a spoon at a party.
you and him went to the park at 2am to "catch a pigeon" and ACTUALLY CAME BACK WITH A PIGEON
there's an entire drinking game devoted to nobody liking her face
If you were to to ask if I just hid 4 shooters or Jameson it my bra and panties the anwer would be yes, yes I did
Hungover at Subway, watching a business guy try to squeeze his way past my car to get into his. Bitch shouldn'ta parked over the line.
You truly are a temple of morality.
I am the night, I am justice, I am currently watching the fat biz guy pay a frat boy to back his car up for him so he can get in.
Turns out I made out with a woman dressed as a unicorn here 10 years ago
He has to be employed and covid free. That’s my standard. I can’t be picky. 2020 has killed my sex life.
Walked off the dance floor to find Gabe hitting on a dad bod at the bar. It was my Dad. Awkward is an understatement.
Randomize
