My hispanic family watching the world cup is getting too intense for me. a lit candle was just thrown at me because i walked by the tv.
Make good choices ;) This is your automated cockblock message
Guys with integrity exist just to rain on my slut parade.
my mom found me passed out in the kitchen floor with the Brita pitcher.. Happy Mothers Day
There's nothing like telling your girl to hold your pants while peeing on your neighbors door
I feel like I just want to take a shot of jack, have sex, and shoot myself in the face. In that order exactly.
im pretty sure the interns at this hospital have gotten hotter
He came over in a blaze orange vest with a case of beer and a shotgun yelling about "Dove Season" then passed out in the lawn. There he lies
Damn, well, it could always be worse
For sure, I could be a prison bitch right now. Thursdays aren't half bad
I just watched this dude try to convince this girl to go home with him. She was like, That's cute, you're cute.and she just walked away. Man I'm so not drunk enough to be around this level of sad.
look for me at the Giants game I will possibly be the drunk girl passed out by 2nd
Apparently I made a chicken patty, angrily took it out of the microwave, walked outside, and threw it over the balcony. #me
I got wing sauce on the baby and licked it off. If you were wondering how I'm doing.
i dunno dude, he took his shirt off and is rubbing jello shots on himself. i think he's done
I'm really sorry I called you a "smug, arrogant, boyfriend-fucking piece of defecation". I was super drunk.
I was going to be mad, but then I remembered you don't use autocorrect and spelled everything correctly and I was kinda impressed.
Randomize
