cab driver gave us mini bottles of jd for the ride home & proceeded to run every red light. wonder how many bottles he drank.
Dude ur right that IS what a vagina looks like!
Do everybody a favor and GET LAID MORE.
No, I'm not okay. Girls are wearing BUMPITS here.
I woke up face first on my living room floor arms outstretched toward the christmas tree
I wonder if I could sublet my bathtub to anyone.
In other words, he somehow found his way to my apartment, wasted, and was naked on my new couch. Completely naked. It was too special to pass up.
I feel like after that many guys, all of the water in your body is just replaced with pure jizz, honestly.
Apparently campus cops frown on lighting a joint off of the eternal flame on Jerry Falwell's grave...
hey, you wanna get together over coffee or something?
is this code for 'i just got broke up with and i need a sympathy dicking'?
how did you know?
This hobo said he can't buy alcohol bc he got in trouble bc a girl sat on his face when he was passed out and misaligned his spine and gave him Alzheimer's so Ali is buying him a bottle. This is Vegas.
I just instagramed a picture of an ostrich in case you were wondering what I did with my night
do you think the dildo I'm bringing through airport security is considered a weapon?
do nipples grow back?
all i remember is walking home without my pants on... when i woke up i was sleeping in between my parents in their bed, no more whiskey wednesdays
Got upgraded to First Class and now I’ve got the whole Pacific Ocean to seduce the very hot gentleman sitting next to me!!! Door closing, wish me luck!
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