I dont know whether to be proud of myself for not driving, or being proud that i was so messed up I couldnt drive
I enjoy that i have a whole shelf of clothes that I've accumulated from random sex. You know the ones you get to make the morning after look less awkward like similar to an athletes trophy shelf
I have two girls sleeping in my bed naked and I ended up making it to class, what were you saying about staying in on the weekdays?
The ratio was 19 to 1 and the 1 was lauren so it didn't even count.
So what if i ate it off the ground. Its like i found a five dollar bill just laying there, in burrito form.
I will miss his soup and his dick the most
I'm unshowered, and since I've seen this episode of say yes to the dress, I've decided to go to the store and get a frozen pizza at 10:20 am. I'm crushing life.
And I think your bro would be happy to know that when I took my bra off like 10lbs of confetti fell out. It was like my tits were celebrating being free
THE MAINTENANCE MEN WERE DOWN STAIRS AND I THOUGHT THEY WERE MY MOM. I'VE BEEN YELLING 'GRILL ME A CHEESE' AT THEM FOR HALF AN HOUR
You looked at me, said I was a nice guy. Then you drunkenly climbed on top of me and said you liked me and wanted me.
Being sober is boring. Tomorrow I'm def bringing wine and my vibrator to work. Might even booty call that hot guy on floor 5. Making the last week at this job legendary.
The time stamp on this text message is reason enough alone to not leave me unsupervised
I feel I should send an apology letter to my anesthesiologist.
You do it and I'll burn these mermaid pants so help me God.
You drank the pool water to get rid of your hiccups
Randomize
