I have carpet burn on my ass, I'm rethinking my decisions last night.
id tell you what to do, but my morals dont exactly scream, "Listen to this guy!"
the only time it's appropriate to sing In The Air Tonight by Phils Collins is while sake bombing at Cal Beach
um or while having sex on a train
I faked it too. I just spit on your bed.
I was crying hysterically and you wouldn't stop petting my ear and shushing me every time I tried to say something.
I put an asterick after the names of people in my phone that I've fucked. Both as a form of bragging, and also so I can actually remember all their names.
It wasn't like a party or anything. They played PlayStation and talked about sports. Then I threw up on his porch.
Hypothetical Question: Would you take a cougar bullet for me?
God fucking bless the man who invented the vibrator. Bless him and all his descendants. I think I saw the face of God tonight
That's the 3rd time I've gone home with her and she passed out on me. I poured 6 boxes of cereal on her and left
He stopped in the middle of us banging in order to check in for his Southwest flight.
Dude why can't I remember anything after walking in from my first beer bong?
It was immediately followed by your second, third, fourth and fifth
Will you still call me Bond when I'm sober?
You went into the bathroom, got in the tub with a pillow, yelled "this isn't as comfortable as it looks in the movies" then passed out
He doesn't understand the concept of a strip club. He keeps falling in love
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