that's what penises do
they tell lies.
i gave you head in a backbend. if that doesnt say happy birthday i dont know what does.
She was standing in the road flagging traffic in a tshirt and boxers. I didn't stop.
All she wanted was a cigarette
Nothing says "I support my fellow man" like taking your friends recently divorced dad to a strip club and bar hopping with us to get him laid by an upgrade.
She dresses cool and she's mean. And she has fake boobs I feel like I can relate to her on so many levels.
you didn't want to pay for the shots so you negotiated with the bartenders. Apparently 1 shot is worth 5 seconds of motor-boating you.
Why is it every time you ask me what I'm doing, I'm at a police station?
Did you just send me an ass picture with a quote from the lion king?
What are you gonna do about it?
My mom is currently out with her lesbian friends and I'm home alone drunk listening to the Les Miserables soundtrack. WHY DO I FEEL THE NEED TO COMPETE WITH HER?
Will you fuck me while I eat my burrito though? I'm kind of hungry.
Am I supposed to confront my 52-year-old boss/mother of 3 about the fact that we matched on Tinder?
Only great wives bring your dope to you when you are at the Cardiologist
He started humming a moment like this when I was taking off his pants.
it was the most awkward makeout ever. it was record breaking really
...i feel like you have a lot of those.
I wish i didn't black out tuesday so i could have cherished our moment together
Throwing up together is NOT a cherishable moment...
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