I am one bad relationship away from having 30 cats.
You saying I have a drinkingg problem is like saying Superman has a flying problem.
I just found out you can file for divorce online. I love America.
i don't even want to say how many boners i've caused this week
You tried to put a condom on my dog, then he ate it.
I woke up in bed alone w 2 bite marks on my boob... Salt and pepper shakers In my purse along w a bottle of steak sauce.... The drunkasauraus has struck again
I sincerely hope you find your fuck buddy and have a wonderful night of champagne and whores
That awkward moment when the dude you blew on camera in college friend requests you on Facebook.
Who is this?!????
That awkward moment when you think you're texting a friend the above statement, but instead you text a stranger.
I can't handle dick pics with conversational captions
I'm 2 beers deep on an empty stomach, and I just wanna say, I pride myself on my use of commas
Do it break your family into faction start a civil war
the fact that you beer bonged rum made me so proud, the fact that you threw up an entire footlong tuna melt after... not so much babe
Idk if you own a vibrator or anything but it's not smart to leave it in dad's car for him to find :/
it's like i'm your dad, but instead of reminding you to bring your lunch to school i remind you to take a good long hit from your bong.
I turn 40 next week. I deserve to celebrate the end of my 30’s with a 21 year old dick
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