I'm not crazy, I only keep calling you cause you won't pick up.
I was just at the urinal, started to go, then farted, then said oh yea out loud, then heard someone move in the stall behind me
You were dancing on the bar and fell off into the arms of the hot bartender. It was like a fairy tale, with more alcohol.
I'm way too horny to be at work right now. I think it might be legally irresponsible to leave me alone with cucumbers.
Idk how hard you fucked her, but you managed to leave permanent ass prints on my tempurpedic mattress.
i just unblacked out cuddled in a pita pit booth with ten dollars rubberbanded to my hand.
you trust me enough to eiffel tower a girl but don't trust me with a mallet wtf happened to our friendsship
He has a shower chair now. So he sits and watches me shower. It's kind of creepy.
Also, I just realized you seduced me while in a batman onesie... Well done, sir. Well done.
this is an emotional support booty call
I'm wearing a fleece onesie eating pop tarts on the train to work. Killing it.
I came home and my mom goes "why are you barefoot and where the hell are your shoes?" and I replied "I have French fries"
Can we climb Your roof?
No bitch its 2am go home.
I dropped my pants and she just stared until she asked how is that even possible? Best night ever lmao
my mom is feeding me weed brownies...god help us
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