Sooo... I woke up in the shower this morning. It was on.
I'm in that stage of denial where I hope our kids have his nose.
You do realize that you broke up with him, right?
Penelope Cruz needs to learn American words.
i can't believe he got me to come over to him by waving a natty light at me.
Thank God for cruise control and the Starbucks cup I had to puke in.
I just watched her pee in a trashcan, im still probably going to fuck her, what does that say about my standards
I just realized that two weekends in a row we ended up in a bathroom with two different boys asking us for a threesome. does this happen to everyone?
By the way, we're gonna have to get a new rug for the livingroom i kinda started ours on fire...
Im the macgyver of cooling down beers. The toilet tank was blocked so I couldn't use it.....
I just yelled at my mom for getting me circumcised without my permission. That drunk
Well I sent him a pic of my vagina and sent back a pic of his puppy....so there's that
The moment buddy the elf found out he was human is exactly like the moment I realized I was gay
I want a musical about memes.
I'm pretty sure I smell like alcoholism and shame. And it's not a pretty scent.
Woke up to find my underwear in my purse to only remember I took them off at the airport
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