Do I give off a "I have a sex tape" vibe???
I thought it couldn't get worse until she said "Nipple hair"
You taught me that having a dip while u shit is awesome. I appreciate u for that
These 3 days between Christmas and new years when all the bosses are on vacation are essentially a competition to see who can do the least amount of work
Dude I think I vomited on the wireless internet box too...it isnt working.
Let me make this really simple. We woke up this morning and fucked three times. When I got up and took a shower she cleaned up the mess from last night and did the dishes. Then we went out and she bought me brunch. I don't give a FUCK how much you don't like her.
I spent most of the night convinced it was my birthday. But I was probably wrong, it can't be January, can it? I'm 90% sure its not. But maybe. The days have got shorter. Is this what unemployment feels like to everyone?
It's a little sad/awesome that I scored coke within 60 seconds of walking in the bar.
The student becomes the teacher.
i knew my hormones were back to normal when i went to ikea and didn't want to fuck any of the workers
Sorry my phone died because I decided charging my vibrator was way more important
I think I just got buffalo sauce on my penis. Is that a turn on or off?
We almost got stabbed in the nuts last night. Don't worry, we're alright.
I'm not sure of this happened or if it was just a dream... But I vividly remember you walking down the street naked?
No actually I had socks on...
Slept with a member of the band last night, found out today after extensive stalking he’s engaged. Pro tip: don’t research one night stands.
THEY WILL NOT STOP FLINGING CARDS AROUND THE ROOM! It has been four hours. HOW CAN IT STILL BE ENTERTAINING?!?! I will be under the table if you need me.
Randomize
