they're scary. like turkeys that ate nuclear fucking steroids.
she named each of the players on the last ten madden covers in order and then shotgunned 2 beers...if she doesnt have a penis im in love
I took the precaution of putting my macbook the one place in the dorm there is no way i can piss on it... the toilet
Having a dry hump session to Alvin and the chipmunks surprisingly didn't kill the mood. He's that good.
Like if there was an award for best way to take a girls virginity, he would get a standing ovation. And first prize. Probably a bunch of roses too. That good.
You took it upon yourself to rid the world of them, and by that I mean you dressed up as Batman and started kicking them in the shins.
I wish I could remember her name, I mean we fucked and all, but it woulda been nice to tag her in the instagram pics.
And I'm determined to make an Eiffel Tower happen sometime. I just don't know who will take the pic (first world sex problem?)
He is getting married. In the time it took for this conversation he probably cheated on her three times
WHEN JENDA BENDA THE DRAG QUEEN TELLS YOU TO RUN, YOU RUN, BITCH!!!
IN OTHER NEWS did you guys see Orlando Bloom's penis today? I did
No, it's like a legit blood drive. It's not just her out in some parking lot with needles and ziplock bags
You know you suck at relationships when you are sitting in the airport on Christmas day, alone, swiping on Tinder.
Do you remember coming over and asking for toast and then singing that yeah toast song very loudly while you were dropping my bread all over my kitchen?
I may or may not have just had sex in the bed of a pick-up at a drive-in movie theater.
Randomize
