god help us all. i just saw an infant wearing a onesie that said "i don't know who my daddy is"
I am choosing my outfit based on how fast I can get it off. Please help.
You know you're fucked up when you throw your phone on the roof of the bar to show how good the Otter Box works.
I'm not considering your visit a success until we've fucked every cock in the ethnic rainbow...between the four of us we should have it done by x-mas
i had choclate birthday cake for breakfast and am currently flossing my teeth w a condom wrapper. at work. hot mess for 200 alex
How many people can say they've shit on the floor of a five star hotel?
Shit ive learned: when going out to a party, always wear a bathing suit underneath just in case theres a pool with a roof next to it
The second I see you we're shot gunning beers
It's gonna be 8 o'clock in the morning
And your point is?
Marry me
Hey, so, you were my "one phone call" last night... Thanks for not picking up. See, this is why I never call you.
It was super embarrassing when I had to tell my brother, in front of my mother, that my wifi password was Drinkupbitches. Thanks for providing that lovely family moment.
We need to make tonight low-budget
Is this your way of suggesting flasks?
I am no longer drunk enough to crave tostitos
The fabulous human disaster: it is him
"Fwd: Nice to meet you last night thanks for the tit flash" no recollec. i am officially banned from wearing tube tops to the bar.
Then it hit me - his penis wasn't a shiny new toy anymore and I wanted a new one.
Randomize
