uhhh i just had a guy tell me he's seen more jam bands and done more drugs than i could err imagine. what a turn on.
Dude this girl just said she'd take me to pleasure town while giving me head
Will Ferrell is probably jerking himself off somewhere wishing he was you
Two words Indian burn...
What did she think it was, a shake weight?
I popped a zit on your vagina. Don't say I never loved you.
as it turns out, there is no "i was in the pool" excuse for adderall-induced shrinkage.
the girl in my class has a rolling backpack and just told it to stay. im too hungover for this.
Since when do you have sex with people you have feelings for?
Dude you don't understand. I genuinely felt his soul's penis in my soul's vagina.
winnie the pooh came out of nowhere and offered me a burrito...it was a fucking amazing burrito.
Uhh... I think I meant "Be proud, I'm taking shots before my public speaking test." "Coffee and vodka is not good" and "Also, I'm giving blood drunk."
He called me piss drunk at 7:30pm while cooking bacon and said he was going to bed. I don't think he's taking it well.
The profile of her ass is just unreal. Weird way to use profile I know, but never more accurate
We'll get you some ice cream, but no sprinkles. Sprinkles are for winners.
I should have known when she said it would be "fun" we'd end up in the hospital
Caitlin, you were laying in your bed feeding your dog ritz chips and singing a whole new world at 4am loud enough your neighbors came over an asked you to stop.
I love my life
I showered three hours ago and yet feel the need for another one already. This is my day.
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