I think I'm pregnant with his hipster baby. It keeps kicking my stomach to the beat of mgmt songs.
My parents just checked my browsing history and now think I'm addicted to porn and am a necrophiliac. 1: I know it was you. 2: You're so dumped, that shit is sick.
i just farted in a meeting....took me completely by surprise.
so you made the shocked face and they caught you.
yup.
i swear, as soon as they invent a cure for herpes, he's mine.
I would take a bullet for Beyonce's baby
So apparently the only parts of last night I remember didn't actually happen.. When did vodka become a hallucinogen?
The woman in the hospital bed next to me just got diagnosed with flea bites on her vag.
Whaaaaaat? No way.
Now a discussion of pigs vs. dog as carrier.
I feel like the devil slapped me in the face with his dick.
Birthday success
He just stared me dead in the eye as he continued to beat off. Then said "you were going to catch me sooner or later".
I need to keep a secret stash of instant alcoholic margaritas for when i deal with people. For example, right now, im grading, and I just don't fucking care any more. My students should make a thank you card for Jose Cuervo.
I swear you won't find cereal in your washer machine again.
YOURE A FUCKING ADULT. DONT TELL ME ITS PAST YOUR BEDTIME WHEN I WANT TO GET ANOTHER COCKTAIL.
ABOUT TO MAKE THE BIGGEST MISTAKE OF MY LIFE, SEND HELP
Have fun and good luck.
You ghosted you're own booty call. Wow what a sad sad man.
You’re sleeping on my couch so you’re not making dick appointments tonight
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