I told my ex i loved him and then he sent me a picture of this girl laying on his bed.
He asked me why my bellybutton was so ugly... and wondered why i wasnt in the mood anymore.
and when he finished he handed me a baby wipe so i could clean up. i'm ok with the fact that he has kids, but not sure how to react to this.
he told her to call him "Frog Legs" and she still fucked him and not you.
Please don't let me drink ever again. I apparently told him he could stay but as there was no room in the bed he'd have to lie on top of me and he'd need to anchor himself on with his penis so he didn't fall off.
I just had a vision of confetti exploding out of someone's vagina to the sound of air horns... I think that would be welcoming.
I like the way you think.
She was grinding on him and then she was eating a Big Mac. Who the hell brings a Big Mac to the club?
I just moved 6 traffic cones blocking a row of traffic. I got applause.
School starts Thursday. Don't fling yourself out of the car to throw up screaming "classy" before I park this time.
It's a new year.
I might attempt to pee into a cup while driving. I'll let you know how it goes.
You threw a handful of caps into a pitcher of Heineken and asked everyone if they wanted to go "bobbing for molly"
I need to sleep so I can die properly tomorrow.
Do not, I repeat, DO NOT uncuff him no matter how much he begs. He knows what he did.
Potholders are an underrated garment. Especially naked.
You looked at the bouncer while you pissed on the front door of the bar and said...who the fuck are you?
Randomize
