the number of months ive had a girlfriend in my life divided by the number of blowjobs ive gotten is extremely depressing...
there r dinosaurs outside my house i hear them
pretty sure those are just snow plows....go back to bed
the nurse was shocked when I handed her a cup of green piss. what did she expect giving me a drug test on st. patty's day?
How did your new apartment party go last night?
I'm really happy i have a bigger bathroom to puke in.
Changing from sweatpants to jeans at 3 in the afternoon makes the day seem so much more productive than it actually was.
No I'm not proud of you for not sleeping with him. He has herpes. You don't get a gold star for behaving how you're expected to. Trust me. I'm a teacher.
The plan is to make enough mistakes this weekend to hold me over until spring break
When I left you, you were walking into a room with a half naked girl. When I returned 2 minutes later, you were locked out of the room naked and she was screaming obscenities from inside. How do you manage to make every girl hat you?
At a party. It smells like teen pregnancy and sadness in here.
I don't care how sexy you think I look in my scrubs. Wanting a blow job is not a medical emergency.
This is kind of a weird question but were you the other girl Ben asked to do a group sex thing with?
My Instagram consists mostly of drag queens and people who dress up as power rangers... I'm pretty sure I'm an unclassified category of gay
I don't trust myself to shower and not drown.
i just honestly didn't believe you when you said your brother was a fucking clown. ho shit you weren't kidding.
So I sniffed too hard this morning before work and I THINK THE COCAINE JUST STARTED ROUND 2.
Randomize
