I can't get in trouble, i'm smoking a bong in the office right now
woke up with peach flovored chap stick on my taint ! dont ask why i know it was peach
Help i just walked in on mom blowing dad
do herpes really smell.
she gave me a disgusted look and asked how i could live with myself. because i havent seen the rocky horror picture show. and then dumped me.
Found her laying down in a booth in iHop. She's a keeper.
he came on my stomach and it was 1000 degrees in his car. i smelled awesome.
he actually said the words "do you want to pet the lizard?" with a straight face as he unzipped his pants
And then she banged "the first Italian rapper"
in the middle of giving him head in the backseat of my car he taps me on the shoulder, opens the door, throws up three times and then proceeds to tell me how amazing i am.
I hate when people see you passed out in your front yard and call 911. Like what, you can't take a nap face down on your steps at 4pm?
A guy in a banana suit just got the whole bus to participate in a call and response version of Bohemian Rhapsody. HERO
Do you know how much wine is in a box of wine? Not so much an amount, but whether it will kill me if I drink the entire box this xmas
I am sitting in my lingerie, eating frozen cookie dough out of a bowl, and watching family. My hump day is going great
So I crawled off the trampoline to puke in the neighbors yard. Wonderful house guest right here
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