We are surrounded by old people. Heavens waiting room for sure.
does your mom think i'm crazy? i just realized i played both the gay dad and the ex-jew card tonight. i blame the wine
I discovered last night there is no graceful way to remove your face from your gf's crotch when your parents walk in the room
She's got an ass you could write the declaration of independence on in one line. Takes up three bar stools.
i never realize how drunk i am until i start using people as human stripper poles
I threw up red last night... I wanted to pinch myself because it wasn't green.
Whoa. I woke up to 10 new text messages. All about bacon.
I remember now some guy came over and hit on me and poured peppermint schnapps and chocolate syrup in my mouth. Pretty sure he was dressed like Santa....
The rest of us are chipping in to soundproof your bedroom. This is getting ridiculous.
he's home with a concussion now...but apparently i'm still the highlight of his freshman year
I immediately knew he was tripping, he came over with a grocery bag of snow balls and a bike helmet on and asked if I was prepared to die for my country.
Come here I'm naked
And I want mozzarella sticks
My previously white toilet seat is now hot pink. I'm not sure why or how but I know it's your fault.
I work 80 hours a week to prevent myself from just laying in bed and masturbating all day. It's a hands off strategy.
I am putting clothes on to go find a brownie
In my experiences, brownies are better naked.
Randomize
