I'm home and safer than post-menopausal sex; you're welcome for the image. And yes, I did just use a semi-colon hammered.
Easy Mac is falling out of my sweatshirt as I'm walking down the street.
Why can't public transit accommodate my lifestyle of drinking til midnight on a Monday?
I'm not gonna lie; I was dosed with mushrooms and am eating pickles with a guy in all white. It's weird, but I'm down. Help.
We are going to the humane society and getting you microchipped so you don't get lost on your birthday. Either that or your getting a child leash
He doesn't deserve you. Your ass looks 8 times better than his face ever will. Wanna order pizza and watch porn?
Serio, who the fuck falls down coming offstage wearing nothing but pasties, a g-string, and a fake moustache, and now suddenly needs a tetanus shot. Me. That's who.
she fell THROUGH the wall. All in all id have to say that my neighbors where pretty chill about it tho.
We banged in my car doggy style with my head out the window. The sky was marvelous and I saw a shooting star. Its destiny; we're meant to fuck forever.
How you doing tonight? I got my butthole licked so i cant complain.
My one night stand asked me out to dinner. When he came to pick me up I got in the back seat. I thought he sent an uber. Awkward.
So we were fooling around last night and suddenly Like A Virgin popped up on his itunes
OMG haha What did he say?
He told me that if I laughed, I would have to leave.
Please explain the hospital band on my wrist.
honestly performing my own hysterectomy would hurt less than my cramps right now.
just stepped out my front door and let the wind dry my naked body because I was too lazy to go search for a clean towel that may not even exist. I could live like this forever
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