He fucking owes me dinner after I gave him head under the deck behind the bar.
she started talking about my kids
was she topless?
that last vodka shot was definitely the straw that broke the camels alcohol tolerance level
Maybe she got knocked up by accident. I still refuse to believe that anyone actually INTENTIONALLY gets pregnant.
Do what? I was just saying that at some point there's a chance I'll have a boner. Think of it like a guessing game. "Does he have one now?"
you were like "guys ... i think i got fingered while dancing tonight"
our poor poor cab driver
She yelled "taste the gay rainbow" in a biker bar. She's either brave or fuckin stupid.
No fucking judgements. You know me. Chinese food vent sessions are safe places.
She pretty much spent NYE measuring dicks, trying to decide which one to take home.
Handcuffs. Recoverd. I'm a goddamn detective.
I went 670% over budget on my vacation. My accountant would flip if he weren't me.
How the fuck do you have so much free time?
Polyphasic sleep schedule.
Is there ever a non-asshole time to play the "I was a child prodigy" card?
Bring me pizza. I'll trade you your underwear you left here for 2 slices.
Hi I am on my way. I stopped and got the cheeseburger you asked for. Are you gonna pay me back?
Who is this?
Forget work, lets run away, rob banks, and have kinky sex with fuzzy handcuffs.
IT'S LIKE YOU READ MY MIND.
Randomize
