I just realized I've stolen a hat from every guy I fucked. Except the last one. Maybe there is hope for me.
It was the third Sunday in a row that I woke up in his bathtub. So no our sex life isn't that great anymore.
I don't know. I woke up in the back of a cab in a drive thru line at whataburger with police lights flashing and my friend yelling" you didn't have to sell us out phil!" to the cab driver.
You don't have to believe me. My vagina knows it happened.
I just want to jump into a ballpool of dicks now.
I just bought the ATT family protection plan so that I could block all of my old bar hookups from booty calling me...
Our date was amazing and I would like to reward you with a blow job under your desk.
I can pencil you in at 3:30
He refused to pierce my nipples, saying they are the best he's ever seen and that blemishing them would be a crime
We found you wrapped up in a tarp in the garage the next morning, thats how real shit got.
He called some chick he used to fuck for cash to get food delivered to cheer me up
we are not taking body shots with the irish cream
We kinda got asked to leave the strip club and on the way out, you fell again. When you finally got up we got a standing ovation from the girls behind the bar and you took a bow. It was awesome.
he would snap chat his dick as like Harry Potter
Turns out my mom didn't really want to know I was in a new dimension last night from smoking so much.
I told him I thought I was pregnant and he told me he accidentally killed my bird.
Circle of life.
Randomize
