The producers of Marley and Me owe me about $5 million. That's the dollar amount of embarrassment compensation required for making a 24-year-old male cry publicly on an airplane while sitting in the middle seat between a gorgeous babe and a guy with a do-rag
dude, that chick is coming to see me and stay for 2 nights. I'm hitting the 3rd in the trifecta of friends.
You're one hell of a depraved bastard dude, I'm borderline speechless. You officially win.
They all have matching tattoos so they're all official bffs. I love my life.
This situation is one cop call away from being a Lifetime movie.
i wish i was a boy too so i knew what a blow job felt like
Just found the video that explains the neighborhood applause. Your landlord is awesome, and the clothes are on the roof
I found the hair cut I want on the girl in the porno I'm watching. now really sure how to show my stylist.
That commercial was clearly aspirational. I think Arbor Mist would pair nicely with Oscar Meyer
You are like a vicious sex animal persistently seeking prey
its not that I hate him, it's just that I wish his penis was attached to someone i like more
I do NOT want to date a man who has no interest in going to a kangaroo farm
he had shaved armpits. I repeat: HE SHAVED. HIS. ARMPITS! First hookup of 2014 and it's with a weirdo. Alcohol:1 Me:0
You kept sacrificing me last night. You would just yell out "Virgin Sacrifice!!" and then throw me into a circle of men.
Fucked him in his sketchy van in the Applebee's parking lot. In other news, my dry spell is over.
I definitely don't have enough experience with hookers to be in this group text anymore.
I am eating croutons on my bathroom floor. Are you happy?!
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