i love marijuana more then i could love a human baby.
I just saw a neon sign in a bar window that says, "open to Public" but the L is burnt out.
would you kill someone to have someone deliver pancakes to you when you were high?
I told you it's awful. It looks like he was eating honey at a barbershop and tripped.
told our landlord the hole in the wall was from your head during drunk sex..
how did he take it?
not as well as i would have thought
I'm pretty sure I just crapped out my pancreas. I have 2 of those, right?
Tell her this is the Disneyland of penises.It's a magical place everyone should visit once in their life.
Ladies, if you have recieved this text then you are one of the lucky few friends I have decided to make this proposal to. As you all know, my boyfriend's birthday is in two weeks and I have finally decided on the perfect present. Surprise threesome. Now, there can only be one, this isn't an orgy you know, so I will be rating the ideal candidates on bra size and sluttyness. Experiance will count, references if available. Inbox me your credentials so we can come to a...Satisfying agreement.
WE HAD GREAT SEX AND I HATE MYSELF FOR IT
wtf I can't believe that bar tender told on me to my mom
the bartender goes "wow its so good to see you sober" and gives me a hug
Please can we have sex in this office for old times sake
Okay, I just reached peak living alone
I ate a piece of chocolate cake while jerking off
Just confirming I will be washing my asshole at your house at approximately 2:45 tomorrow afternoon.
The strangest confirmation message ever sent.
Double high-fived his wife and her sister on the way out. If I'm not the best mistress ever tell me how.
Randomize
