YEA!!! I'll throw you a non-baby shower.
Um, I don't really remember much about the event... and then I woke up on the metro..
What's a nice way of saying "You fell asleep, and I got bored, so I made out with your brother"?
Hickey on my chest, threw out my elbow and now walking out my shame.
Youre getting too old for this
The more and more I drink I keep rationalizing banging eye patch girl
Bring condoms and burritos. The rest will fall into place
She's like an enigma, wrapped in a riddle, tossed in miller light, inside a question. Nobody can explain a Heather.
my roommate made out with a guy wearing a squirrel costume, equipped with a blow up tail. time to start harvesting nuts for the winter
This late night dumpster diving sesh is making my quads cramp up
He literally named all the parts of the vagina as he fingered me. No more pre-med virgins.
He's balder, I'm skinnier. I win. I. Win.
Had a rough day but my boyfriend made that all better by going down on me while letting me watch Top Gear... I'm buying the engagement ring tomorrow
She walked up to me and whispered "I hope you're good at sex" and led me to the beach.
He was all “please don’t bail because I’m missing work for this” last night
Honey no, I need dick. I’m not going to bail
Is it weird that I shop for lingerie by thinking if it will look good on both me and your floor?
No. Not at all.
Randomize
