remember that time that crown gas station wouldn't sell us a lighter so we had to use matches and birthday candles to smoke with a toilet paper roll? sometimes i miss high school
i forgot i changed ur name in my phone to "the situation" so when u texted me i got really excited for a hot second
i thought we decided on me being "the altercation" instead
ahh summer, the season during which the prefix for every verb is "get drunk and"
Yeah, all the sudden I heard a loud "ding" and realized I had been passed out on the dorm elevator for about an hour....
Seriously he's so hot. And it's so hard to flirt with a deaf guy
98% is good enough for me. Kinda like birth control. Worth the risk
Why have her stay eight hours when I only last eight minutes?
HOW DID YOU GET DEPORTED FROM THE BAHAMAS
My mom just walked in and she was like "Who ate all of the cheese?" and all I could think of was you trying to become a human taco
Dude, double fisting packs of Ramen saved my life last night
Major win last night. I traded my roommate two cigs for a six pack and a bag of beef jerky. This has been a Brian weekend update
Just set out 2 water bottles as an offering to my hungover self.
we could do so many fantastic illegal things together. sexually and otherwise.
I gargles a mimosa for breakfast. It's gonna be a killer Monday.
Whoever said it shouldn't take a man to make you happy clearly wasn't having sex everyday.
Randomize
