Glad I put on jeans. You could measure my ass sweat with a rain guage.
too bad being hungover isnt a job. just threw up from 9am to 5pm
just masturbated through my pocket at the library. hope you're enjoying your saturday night out.
I owe her a pancake or a second hand orgasm
3 things. 1. is this real life 2. my liver hates me 3. keg race tonight
He must have sensed I was about to trade him in...he's really stepped up his sex game
He just got here and all he's wearing is a cloth over his penis.
I'll uninvite my mom
Just found my glass of wine on top of the litter box. Every argument ever is invalid.
The owner was showing me around and pointed at one of the bars and said "this is the one you're allowed to dance on. I could tell you wanted to ask." DREAM JOB.
And I made some girl take out the trash, load and unload the dishwasher, swifter, and clean the counters. So don't act like I don't do anything.
I no longer need a flask. I need a canteen.
I put on that one song on Titanic so he'd fall asleep. When I was positive he'd passed out in a drunken fit, he outstretches his arms and says "I'm flying, Jack.."
You chose shitty college football over this pussy and my cute little mouth. That's your fault.
This is either going to be a hilarious catfish or the fuck trophy of the century.
I'm just going to use my debit card. I feel bad buying pizza with the money I stole from my roommate...so I'm going to put it in my piggy bank.
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