every time i wear that dress i get kicked out of a bar.
Wish i knew who the f is sending me pics of asian newborns.
She showed up to the party with a live octopus and a 30 pack that was already half gone
On a lighter note, the guy I gave a lap dance to then fell asleep on his crotch just facebook friend requested me..
you never texted me what you wanted from the store so I got a piece of chicken and bottle of tequila. if you want anything else you are on your own.
Yeah. I had to take off my shirt. It's soaked in weakness.
You rolled around on the floor, yelled about being a "half-zombie" and bit that guy on the leg who was hitting on me.
There are two guys's cum on my sheets. Be a man and be the third.
Say what you want about my van, but I've got more action there than in my apartment. A body pillow and a joint still go a long way!
I had sex with him and I blame the Doritos
Her cop pants made me imagine I was riding a unicorn and by unicorn I mean her face
you blew the guy with all the harry potter paraphanelia didn't you
It was like mission impossible.
but with sex.
I was trying not to blow up your phone, but I'm so horny I think I might die
Did you get good sleep?
I dreamt that I was a lipstick lesbian in the 1950s, working at Walgreens and solving mysteries.
So yes.
Randomize
