Hey I found your number in my phone i dont remember how we met this is richard btw
strange i dont have your number must have been a drunk thing
could be more
absolutely not
How do u get a lost condom out? Like really lost... up there...
Problem: At home sick with a stomach virus. Solution: smoke weed all day...
judging by the pasta sauce and dirty pans i spent my blackout being emeril
That's the girl I met who was peeing on the driveway with me. We bonded
New low, passed out while taking a shit for an hour with my parents home, suprised they didnt notice
Two hot shots of tequila for breakfast? Yeah today is gonna be a shit show
He asked me if the reason I slept around is because I grew up in a broken home. I am so done fucking Christians.
I was carrying around a bottle of Jameson yelling rescue me
He's the first man I've met that knows more about Harry Potter than I do. He shops at Goodwill and has a Game of Thrones cookbook in his apartment. This is my soulmate.
Apparently I pulled that girl's number while I was trying to insist my drivers license had enough money on it to cover the tab.
I may have unintentionally punched your cat twice but he's an asshole anyway.
I offered the opportunity to grope my boobs for pints. Two girls took me up.
Thank you for being so charming, but do you have syphilis?
You literally brought me back to life and then fucked it out of me
Randomize
