Glad I put on jeans. You could measure my ass sweat with a rain guage.
Tickle wars 95% of the time end in sex.
When god put her together, he was drunk & feeling creative... a vagina here, sexually ambiguous breasts there, and a pair of shoulders that would make a linebacker jealous
Ed hardy makes air fresheners now. Now even the air can be a douchebag.
I had a wet dream about my mom last night. words can't even begin to discribe how scarred I am. what. the. fuck.
do you know how scary it is to wake up in a CATSCAN machine after a night of drinking?
Well, I woke up with a text message from my cab driver that said "I hope you're alive," so that's a good indicator of how I was acting last night.
Since when does sleeping with your RA not result in free meal swipes? I feel so tricked...
You're just mad because I look hotter in my mug shot than you do in yours
Boobs speak an international language.
I just finished spraying the foam party off my pumps with a garden hose
She just causally held my limp dick in her hand the entire movie. Her parents were cuddling on the couch too..that brave!
Apparently that big girl from last night tried to take me upstairs when I was blacked out and all I did was grab Qs arm and whisper 'don't let her take me'
DO NOT THROW SOUP AT YOUR SCREEN
The gyno waiting room is so strange because the pregnant woman next to me is making a PowerPoint of her pregnant photo shoot with her husband and I’m sitting here trying to figure out from Instagram who I had sex with on Sunday lol
Randomize
