actually, I'm a sock model
Im watching hello kitty on qvc debating if its a good idea to cook bagel bites on my space heater
i just snorted my name. best moment ever
I think my penis and your vagina just became best friends last night.
You love me.
That's because, tragically, I adore whores.
I love you and want you to know that you're the best friend ever and me lassoing you with a seatbelt was out of sheer affection.
what customs doesn't know wont hurt them
My face is tingly. And my legs are being massaged by golden elves.
God damn. I'm really starting to resent babies. They're everywhere. Like fucking land mines.
Apparently you need a permit for a flamethrower.
Like, he's a nice guy. But he's better at fingering than he is at speaking.
Let's just say that the best way to get a girls attention is not to slap her on the ass from the window of a moving cab.
I drank it. I drank the beer from '78. I drank my bday beer, I drank my soul
don't take offense to this but at the strip club tonight I legit believed one girl was you. almost hopped on stage and freaked out at you. you're a beauty.
I just thought you should know... Instead of a glass of wine before bed I am having a few shots of 1800. This is what being a night shift nurse will do to you... Standing in your kitchen in your undies doing shots
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