U know its gonna be a great day when the guy at the liquor store waves at u cause u walked by
it felt like a thousand fairies were licking my balls.
Somehow I feel more guilty using her razor then I do having sex with her boyfriend...
He's having a heart to heart coversation with the keg about what he should do with his life.
Who was that couple sleeping in your bed with us last night?
You need to let me be on top sometimes. I gotta get rid of these love handles
My boyfriend correctly calculated the time I would be out of alcohol and showed up about four minutes after I'd run out with two bottles of wine. I think this is love.
See, it wasn't that I broke my nose having sex. Its that I forgot about the bedposts...
I was too sleepy and drunk to verbally annihilate anyone and ruin their reason for being. So i just opted to sleep with the fitted sheet on the floor
He's laying next to me passed out dressed as a hooters girl
I bet he's a super pretty hooters girl
He walked straight into the wall, said "excuse me ma'am" and continued back to his dorm room.
I'm at the level of despair that only Panda Express can fix
THEY DIDN'T THROW MY PORN AWAY!!!!
i made out with his shirt. MDMA, man.
The next time you invite me out to a bar full of cougars warn me first. I never felt like a piece of meat before.
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