My fucking roommate unpluged my alarm; I pissed on his clean clothes.
What's the protocol for seeing the two girls you've been sleeping with in the store WHILE buying condoms?
3some
You're right, stupid question.
Goose bottles do NOT make good bowling pins
Based on how hungover I feel today, it makes more sense that the bouncer didn't let me in to that bar.
just as they were cutting his pants off he made em stop & said "everyone knows about shrinkage right".
We have a drunken confused pantless man in our apt. Boots.
I don't think you understand. Its the best fauxhawk you've ever seen. I look like a gay dinosaur.
That's the most beautiful thing I've ever heard. Can I call you littlefoot?
Porn. Physics. Porn. Icecream. Porn. That's my life now.
WHY AM I CRAWLING IN OLDER MEN HOLY JESUS
Drive by water balloon fight on $500,000 boats ended when someone threw a dildo
We watched the first ever season of SNL and fucked for so long. He accidentally punched me in the face, but I mean, John Belushi was the background noise of our sex. I can deal with it.
Last night was incredible. I can tell by the nacho cheese on my jacket
You passed out and I didn't draw a penis on your face. Sister of the year.
i texted "amiibo vore" to my insurance agent instead of someone else. do you think they'll raise my rates out of disgust?
I expected my Sunday morning walk of shame dressed as a sexy Dorothy would get some scorn, but nobody seems to even care
That’s because it’s 2020. The slutty costume walk of shame is a refreshing reminder of a time when wearing masks and catching communicable diseases was a right of passage, not everyday for the foreseeable future.
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