Do you ever close your eyes when your having sex with your girlfriend and pretend she didn't get fat after high school?
Can you tell me we didn't drink from a fish bowl we found in the bathroom last night? I know it would be a lie; I just need to hear it.
i wish that i had sketchier friends so that it would be easier to get drugs
you tried to clear everyones facebook status so that yours would be the only one on everyones home page
They're all gay and their wifi network is named HOMOS. I want to live with these people.
you know it's bad when you need sunglasses to open the refrigerator
So I told her I dislocated my shoulder and she said "well okay. I can either be on top or blow you."
Decisions, decisions.
Dude that musta been some handjob last night. The sound of her pandora bracelet kept waking me up
The second I saw you stumbling down the stairs in a princess crown, I knew I had a friend for life.
We need to get her a baby shower present. And no, a blow up sex doll with her dead boyfriends picture stuck to it, is not appropriate.
It's christmas eve and my mom blacked out before me. If she beat me at that, what have I been learning at college?
At least I'm doing lines with a notecard. That counts for something right
Licking pop rocks off a stranger's washboard abs and kissing strangers young enough to be my kid. Yeah, it was THAT kind of party last night
fuck you I'm eating salad I can't be drunk.
I got some blow and a hand job from one of the strippers. So I guess I'm getting over the divorce.
Randomize
