I just gave my whole company pinkeye. How's that for a summer intern's lasting impression? BOOYAHH
i have some very unhappy turtles in my backseat
Ya know, years from now when that kid is old enough, I'll get to regale him with the story of how I was his father's AND uncle's first gay experience.
i mean, we fucked on the futon in the garage where his band practices. pretty sure im now obligated to like his band on facebook.
on the subway to an interview & there's a dude doing whippits out of a cheese wil can
I think i can hear god laughing at me and yelling "thou shall pay for thy habits of underage drinking" through a megaphone directly at my eardrums
If you end up at a gay bar on a tuesday night in steelers pjs, does that mean youve hit rock bottom?
You were force feeding yourself jello and you kept repeating, "I will not surrender"
I just tried to pay for a coffee with a dollar and a necco wafer.
We're exchanging our favorite porn sites at 9 am. I think this brings our relationship to a whole new level
I was drunk and really grossed out when you poured cheese on me and, I guess I just freaked out.
I'm actually more excited that I had so much sex this weekend that my ovaries hurt
He just sprayed AXE in his mouth to get rid of his bad breath... THAT DRUNK
This is why I should’ve just stuck with blow jobs. I’m good at blow jobs. Blow jobs never fail me.
I need your help immediately! I sorta kinda sliced my foot off at the ankle with my new kitana. Bring your cooler, ice and some hospital road beers.
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