Sex on a kitchen table is not as amazing as they make is seem in the movies.
New Years Resolution for 2011 : QUALITY cock. Not quantity.
I should show up to the gym drunk more often. I felt like i really motivated all the fat people.
Okay good. And who the fuck put a condom on my foot. That shit hurt
Congratulations on your lack of fetus.
Just got our of the shower. I'm standing naked in front of my open windows cause fuck my neighbors that's why
Literally the only reason we didnt get arrested was because the cop said I reminded him of Steve Stifler from American Pie
In the 2nd smartest move of my day your ringtone for when you call is now the Space Jam theme.
Is it weird that i want a guy to ask me to homecoming by spelling it out in meatballs?
THATS VERY WEIRD
so go get some goddamn bacon and lay in his bed naked. he'll love it.
No more bourbon. Sleep now. I may die. Pray for me.
Woke up naked with a post-it that said "don't ask questions" on my ass...i know im not supposed to ask but uhm what did I do?
Listen all we did was not even pretend we aren’t each other’s type and live together and constantly encourage each other to get laid for 6 months.
Idk how it devolved into us fucking.
She puked in the bed, peed in the closet, and woke up on a Rubbermaid in the closet under the stair case
If I get my period the weekend your parents are gone i'm removing my uterus.
Randomize
