Last night he was fingering me with one hand to his ear, calling himself 'dj clittles'
Thats what happens when go home with guys that wear shutter shades to the bar..
Today I ate a sandwich and half my molar fell off, feels like a semi sprayed into my jaw.
I wish i was spraying into your jaw.
I think that i just found proof that harry and ginny had sex
They woke me up at 6am and made me drink a bottle pf champagne yelling "champagne breakfast!"
I'll throw in a blow job for your kind ways. Or another booty call. I'm poor and not very imaginative. This is all I have to offer- the unicorn like wonders of my vagina.
Found a guy passed out on the coffee table with a thong duct taped from ear to ear.
She was wearing my robin hood hat from Halloween shouting "steal from the rich and give to the poor, mothafuckaaaaas." We are taking her everywhere.
All i hear is "BITCH BETTER HAVE MY HONEY" and i turn around and there is a dude in a bear costume. It was fur real.
how do you always get into these "we banged the same dude now lets be friends" situations???
What has my life come to that I have to spank someone in morse code?
Nice. I like it when Maker's Mark makes decisions for you.
Slap a cop in the butt for a felony charge. Check.
Thanks for being my best friend so I can use you as an alibi to my family while I'm out getting some dick in my face.
If you think me talking about that hot guy accepting my LinkedIn request is pornographic, I’m not sure how you’re gonna feel when I tell you I fucked a stranger on a park bench last weekend
The neighborhood cougar just purred at me while I was doing yard work. I’m terrified and tumescent
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