I'm curled up in a ball on the floor of my office with the lights off. I hope no one notices. No more open bar. Woof.
i just saw a man dusting the fake palm trees at the mall
...welcome to nebraska
well my last 2 orgasms were over shoe sales at macy's. what does that tell you?
Tonight i am praying for god to turn my pussy into apple pie because i cant count the number of times bruce chooses food over sex.
I love my grandma, but if I have to sit and watch one more show on Bravo, I'm gonna burn her fuckin house to the ground
i had 75 notifications coming from ur status. here i was thinking i had friends.
mid blow job she looked up and said "we aren't even facebook friends!"
Bartenders are not toys. I repeat, bartenders are not toys.
Well it ended with everyone taking a bite out of a raw potato and a girl crying because her boyfriend wouldn't bring her any grape juice. So yeah...I'd say the night was a success.
This weekend I was almost blinded by a cumshot to the eye, so happy Labor Day I guess
Also you know what's irritating? When the guy you're sleeping with refuses to like any of your Instagram posts
The uber man and I sat in silence. With my underwear in my purse and my dress shoved in the pocket of the hoodie the guy gave me.
I think you threw up on me last night but i can't remember so i'm not mad at you.
LISTEN TO ME! DONDE ESTA LA FUCKING VICODIN!
I'm wearing jeans from 7th grade and drinking a fucking macchiato. This better be a good day.
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