Girl last night got so wet when I was going on down her it flooded up my nose. I nearly drown
I'm at my inlaws playing Scrabble. Go Fuck Yourself.
Why do I feel like I used to feel when I almost got caught looking at porn when I get caught looking at facebook at work
Just saw an ad for "Liver-aid" how has this not become a life changing drug for millions?
just taught 3 girls from korea how to fist pump on chat roulette.
Yeah I just gotta do it so that my major doesn't find out. Doesn't look good having a stripper teach your 3rd grader
You told the cop FUCK YOU AND YOUR TASER, i dont think he appricaited that
I'm wearing a suit and have no chance of getting laid or robing a casino. I consider this opportunity a failure
dude, where are you? this beer run has taken so long i read war and peace, took a nap, and shaved 3 times.
But there's never enough margarita money.
This is going to be one of those situations where we lose a day, isn't it
Well I accidentally flashed a 76 year old woman, i'm in a house full of republicans and Im almost drunk enough to give the gay rights speech so i'd say this wedding reception is going great
Three times. Three times I left home yesterday in search for sex, and three times I returned un-orgasmed.
Pretty sure the delivery guy saw me taking a shit this morning
I have a hunchback of notre dame journal from when I was 6 wherein sits a diary entry that reads "saw liar liar today. Carrey's best yet" and that's all.
i love how you, my friend, sends me a picture of herself wearing a shirt that says "i am dead inside" and i'm just like "awww baby you're so cute"
that's just solidarity
I'm cuddly bitch. Deal with it.
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