I don't wanna do a drive in or see a movie tonight. I wanna play some Golden Tee and butt fuck a girl in the bathroom of some bar and proceed with Golden Tee
She made a guy cry in the bar. I will have her, oh yes, I will have her..
He came in looking for condoms, iced coffee, and a gas tank. I need to be where he's going.
We had break up sex twice. He said one was cause he had to say goodbye to both tits.
Trying to low-key throw up in the ocean is harder than it seems.
I petted my head, told my hair it felt beautiful and needed to be let free. Then pulled out my pony tail. Cheers to weed. I lose.
I'm reffing a fight in Fight Club I don't even know what I'm doing
Jasmine is diving into bushes again.
Next think I knew I was pretty much using his penis as a microphone... No more playing Eminem during hookups
Where did you go?
I'm not really sure. They have flavored vodka. I like it and I'm never leaving. Ever.
Current status: Finding an unwrapped portion of Subway sandwich in my purse at the pharmacy counter & picking pieces of tomato off my wallet while the pharmacist watches disdainfully.
Did you offer her some?
If only. Current status: Not that clever.
I just connected with one of your drug dealers on LinkedIn.
I woke up on my girls floor with a pound of muenster cheese in my shirt pocket
I want you to know. From the bottom of my heart, that you are a great friend, a beautiful person, and one of my favorite people in this world. But if you ever send me that many messages again at 4am I swear to God, I will push you in from of a fast running rhino
Maybe you should slow down tonight...
KINGS DON'T NEED ADVICE FROM LITTLE HORN-BILLS FOR A START
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