the sex was "jacking off to playboy" bad.
pouring popcorn down my shirt before we went to the bar was the best idea ever. it was delicious and convenient.
was it you or me who tried to make the, what appears to be, nacho cake in the oven?
I'm promising sexual favors in return for his responsible life decisions. Now THIS is growing up.
I remembered to bring wine in a nalgene bottle, but I forgot sunscreen and water. I'm starting to question my life decisions.
Only you would get a date out of getting hit by a car
No matter what I do you still love me. It's like loving a retarded kid. A retarded kid that keeps trying to sleep with you.
she's a dental assistant. she can get nitrous. kinda looks like a sloppy bucket of fuck. time to take one for the team. NEED SHOTS STAT!!
I caught myself flirting with clients today. Someone needs to take me to pound town before I self destruct. This is a code red. I repeat code red.
I just threw up vodka and hot dogs in a handicapped stall with someone in it who couldn't make me leave because he couldn't walk.
Just so were clear your wife is cut off from my dick.
you ever just feel like an organ is failing?
Please tell me you did not shit your Disney princess costume.
skyped with him for 45 min in the bath while i shaved my legs. new level in the relashionship
I'm unsure if I could pee myself at this point in my life
Randomize
