***** fucked a guy with one hand last night
Reason #437 to hate Louisiana: Just went to the public bathroom at work. It was so humid the toilet seat was damp and sticky. Either it's the humidity or I sat in somebody's yesterday piss. I choose to believe the humidity.
I've spent the last three hours watching 30 rock and eating marshmallows and ham. I'm considering taking up weed to justify my lifestyle.
Don't worry about it. Anal sex isn't always sunshine and wildflowers.
Did you mean to cry when you finished last night? Or were you just that drunk?
They figured our he was high when he told the manager he wanted a break to go wrap his dick in toliet paper and pretend it was a ghost.
I want to play lord of the rings tonight. And by that I mean get really drunk, potentially lost, and go trekking through the woods or climbing shit. I want all of you there. You are the fellowship. This is a mass text. I am insanely high.
Last night did I take a piece of pizza out of your hand and then proceed to eat it?
Twice...
If I do nothing else today, the fact that I talked you into this is achievement in itself.
Worse: texted mom-in-law by mistake that I sharted.
Worser: she offered to clean me up
if a CSI technician examined our hotel room with a black light he'd think we hit the Pulse button a DNA blender without a lid
I was a plus one at an intervention for a person I didn't know.
Omg my orgasm just made the fucking sun come out. Clearly my libido controls the weather now.
I cannot take an uber back in my costume...can you please come get me?
I really just gave up on masterbating because I'm too tired. I really am getting old.
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