I woke up with spaghetti in my mouth
I found out what happened to my eye. I punched myself in the face.
EW EW EW EW THAT PENIS BELONGS TO SOMEONE'S FATHER! THAT PENIS BELONGS TO OUR FRIEND'S FATHER! THAT PENIS HELPED CREATE OUR FRIEND! YOU'RE NOT ALLOWED TO ADMIRE IT!
I wouldn't take my shot so you poured it on my face. Twice.
Ok, maybe I don't want to know what happened last night... But somehow I guess I moved the oven.
This is love.
Which part? The alcoholic cupcakes or the lesbian st paddys day party?
How am I so hungover that wearing sunglasses hurts my head?
Also 70% sure I have a splinter on my eyelid from last night
Woke her up in the middle of the night with the smell from a fart. So proud of my colon.
Next time she asks for a ride to her "cousins" house and it turns out to be a booty call we're charging her for each mile.
So I walked in on her and she had taped her fingers together and was crying and was whispering something about "how humbling it is being in constant glove mode"
Holy. Fuck. This mans mouth is magical. I love married men. I don't have to teach them.
I had a dream last night that I met Diplo. Now I'm just sad
Oh and it took quite a bit of doing, but I managed to wipe my butt with the hat you left in my car
While finding our clothes afterwards he says..."So do we like have to talk after this?"
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