and the officer said have you been drinking
and i said NOO SIR.
and he said, I am a woman.
please stop taking shits in my toilet and leaving them there.
On a list of weird places to get a bj, how weird is in the basement of a pharmacy
I need to hang out with girls who make more mistakes
Dude. Hurry up. They just blessed the tequila.
No no no no no. Not interrested. She looks just like Kim's fat booth picture. Only real.
Just got gas in my car for the first time while high. Went better than expected.
I'm just over here all sober hanging with two high people talking about how they're "free-spirited stallions."
Note to self don't give these guys your number. I've seen more dick tonight than a proctologist sees his whole career
Hey. Make all the seamen/semen jokes you want. Not many people can say they fucked 2 different girls in two different countries in one week on a tax free bonus. Next up: Italy.
I tried to light my cup as a bong. I'm done drinking
Finally liberated my Star Trek DVD from my booty call's house. Captain Kirk would be so proud.
Did you put candle wax on my balls last night?
So, in keeping with the last two years, are we going to watch the new Hobbit movie on acid again? It's kinda starting to feel like a Christmas tradition.
If he's dating my cousin now, do I have to erase the pictures of his dick off my phone? Ugh, morals.
Randomize
