Sandra Bullock looks like the most recent Michael Jackson
That's ok. Our relationship has a solid foundation of booze and questionable behavior.
for future reference: even when 4 loko is flat it still fucks you up. im near a tree. come find me.
I was just crying my tits off and he was just sitting there listening. I was an open book of embarrassing life stories.
Wine is not your friend.
I found his Linkedin the day after he created it. Too stalkerish or just right?
Ugh I can't even look at alcohol this weekend, my body needs to heal.
So, my ex just showed me the drunk voicemail we left him last night. Started out with me saying "I think it's Shane." Then you took my phone and started singing a song about peanut butter, train tracks, and tequila. I joined in. On the upside, he said he's totally fine with being on the drunk dial list from now on. Soooo, another tequila night??
I keep finding Kraft singles in his pockets. Honestly, this is the weirdest family I've ever worked for.
I smoked all his weed and he hasn't noticed yet. But I might need a place to crash when he does
We were fucking in the boat on the lake when another boat saw us and honked their appreciation.
Woke up with a pineapple again... where do i keep on getting these ??
So I figured out why that guy from Tinder stopped messaging me back. He got married.
My books smell like weed. What does that tell you about my college experience?
Thumbs up
for future reference, singing eye of the tiger outside my door while i am having sex makes me incredibly uncomfortable
apparently not uncomfortable enough for you to stop
She told me I’m a “stunt cock.” I’m okay with that
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