not only are you not the girl i fell in love with, but from the looks of it, you ate her
He said if I stayed the night he'd take me to church in the morning.
Hindsight: maybe I should have included a few transitional texts in between talking about your son and my need to have sex. Do over?
His threats seemed pretty legit for a 6 year old
It's like all my brain cells are screaming at me.
I'm dying.
When this bachelor party is over and your life is in ruins, you have my permission to die.
You're the common denominator of my blackouts.
I just need some dick and some jimmy johns
Lesbians had sex in my bed last night. It's a thing of pride
Let us ponder on the good times. Ya know when the Jonas brothers were incapable of growing facial hair and I didn't fully understand what a dick looks like
She just left someone a voicemail saying 'you better not have plans Saturday night, cause I'm going to sit on your face.'
how much boxed wine can one drink before work in a couple of hours?
My niece I'm babysitting left earlier to stay the night with her friend. I got ditched by an 8 year old.
we're so committed to being not committed
I’m literally watching say yes to the dress, eating fancy cheeses with crackers, and I have orange dark chocolates. All of which is being washed down with merlot. And I’m 100% sure a porno is gonna go down next door tonight. They don’t have a car and arrived via taxi. Happy holidays from motel 6 Pendleton Oregon!
Randomize
