Crying babies in a bar. Really?
And she just changed the baby's diaper on the table. It's killing the beer garden.
We have sex, then he cooks. It's like a fantasy.
So many people have lost their virginity on my futon... I think it is only the right thing to bronze it and put it on display
Please talk me out of ordering the stripper pole for a dollar. Please.
I've been alternating between telling people I was mauled by a bear or hit by a car to explain the massive unexplainable bruise on my leg. Slightly more worried now that the car idea is believable.
What are you doing? Did I punch you in the face last night?
A girl at the bar is wearing green body paint instead of a shirt. Where are you?!
I can't straight up say the only reason I smoked a couple bowls with you was for your three legged cat
He broke into my house just to tell me the door was locked.
But it's ok cause then I turned my tequila blanket into a tequila comforter and I felt no pain
Some crack addled fool from the sketch ass motel behind the restaurant just gave me a flyer for an AA group when I was on my smoke break. I don't do mornings
You tipped the Uber driver extra for taking your phone away while you were drunk texting
I need to learn how to not be a fucking liability
if by making eggnog you mean drinking all the spiced rum, then yes, she's making eggnog
Want to come over and dangle your tits on top of me like a skewer?
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