I just followed up on a noise complaint...only to find 2 girls in bikinis covered in jello with beer cans everywhere. I couldn't bring myself to bust that party.
I want to be a cop.
i just looked up and i was like omg ballsack and then i didnt know what to do
The musician playing at the bar just puked inside his acoustic guitar, then sang an encore performance. I love Louisa!!!!
He told me he wouldn't do any drunk sluts but me. I guess that's sort of a compliment...?
It took him three days to realize his roommate had moved out.
I want to let you in on my two latest life goals. Have a photograph of me squirting whipped cream into a midget's mouth, and have sex on a roof.
That ACT prep teacher knew i was hung. I could see it in her eyes.
Not drinking has really freed up a lot of my time. I made a bracelet yesterday. I miss bars.
No I need this job. I actually contemplated buying a vibrator with my dad's credit card the other night.
so, i guess i gotta chill on showing up to work hungover... someone anonymously left a bible in my work mailbox (no one else got one)
Wait, cocaine is okay but tanning isn't?
I'll like his pictures on Instagram every once and a while so that when he sees my name he is reminded of the best blow job he's ever gotten.
I either forgot underwear this morning or lost them at work and I seriously don't know which.
When I meet her I'm going to have to resist the urge of saying "hey! We're Eskimo sisters!"
Learned two new lessons today: 1) Do not identify pills found in one's car by taking them to see what happens, especially while at work, and 2) There is no logical reason to keep ambien in one's vehicle...
Randomize
