Rescue me. My white trash great uncle just pulled out his belly at the restaurant to show us how big this woman's tit was
just woke up and my boobs have "fun police" written on them
So I went into my gym pretty wasted and asked the trainer guy if i could order a cock meat sandwich. Needless to say, I'm canceling my membership tomorrow.
Come over? It's my birthday
How many times has that text failed you tonight?
I mean i might have to drop this class tomorrow. I just walked into a midterm
I think I should have my paycheck direct deposited to the bar
i just identified you from a description of your pipe
He was streaking. We were hammered. We had roman candles. It only made sense to shoot them at him.
Were gonna hotbox in the trunk. I think there's room for another half of a person if you're interested
This is a mass text. Surprise drug testing at work today. Either I've finally got to fuck my boss or I've got to quit to make this all go away. Please respond with option a or b.
Your whole purpose in life is to just float around and satisfy lonely women and also join lesbian couples in threesomes.
New BDSM fun fact. When you get spanked hard enough with a flat object, you get welts. Welcome to thunderdome, bitches.
Don't talk to me about lonely until you're eating marshmallows for dinner in your underwear watching House of Cards for 12 hours straight. I hate all you couples
Dude I just realized i did a camper walk of shame in front of amish people. I should have asked for cheese and a home made pie to cover it up. Im just lost shopping in amish country nothing to see here
Trying to figure out these fractions. I bought 5 fifths of gin last week. Does that mean I have one whole gin? 5/5 = 1, right? You're having to homeschool your kids right now--so ask them.
Randomize
