"Morning after" poops are always like, interesting.
Just had sex with a girl from Italy. The only english she knew was Obama campaign slogans. Her screaming, "Yes we can!" as I was railing her not only turned me on but allowed my neighbors to know it was consentual.
drunkie insisted on stuffing the rest of his scrambled eggs in his pockets before we left ihop. we really should have left a better tip
This is probably the only time in my life I'm going to be able to say I'm going to the hospital too smoke weed and play Mario kart.
He wanted to feed hamburgers to the homeless... as a first date... who the fuck is this kid
Like fighting the continuous urge to sing Neil diamond "coming to America" kinda fucked up right now
It's a given that you're going to get peed on at a country concert
does the cute hipster in the kitchen belong to you?
if not i want to bang those glasses off his face
Oh, also as a concerning side note, my bra had drops of blood on it. So I don't know what the deal was, but someone I was around was definitely bleeding a decent amount.
He got a new tattoo in prison. It's actually a good tattoo, making it that much harder for me to hold out until he's off house arrest.
Yeah I remember doing the worm in my moms room. While she's yelling at me and I'm making seagull nooises
We're living together and you don't know if I've seen Titanic?!
No, it's cool, I just bounced from the hospital. I was...talking to a security guard, maybe?
It is such a beautiful day to not be arrested
What. The. Fuck.
You'll have to be more specific. I do a lot of "what the fuck" kind of stuff
Randomize
